The Anime Movie Paradigm

*Includes spoilers (Seriously this time. I'm going to tell about endings of movies, be careful). All media credits go to their owners.*

Yo, guys. Sorry about the delay - it has been a crazy studying weekend. But I'll take this Sunday morning off and ditch the climate changes report just to complete my weekly task of blogging. Yes! Feel flattered!

Do you know how to recognize an anime movie that is going to end bad? Well now. Besides the fact that most of them don't end so well. 
It's when it all starts really good and adventurous. No joke. I have actually witnessed only a few of them that end well - most of them, no surprise, by Miyazaki. I guess that's how the man got famous. "Oh here's an idea - how about I don't kill of some of my main characters by the end of the movie...? That could work!" He sure was a pioneer, eh. And thank goodness, cause if Totoro had sacrificed himself in the end there to save the girls mother or some similar BS....  GRRR!
Sure, there are exceptions, like Hosoda's 'Summer Wars'. But that also starts out kind of slow and only evolves into a massive story. So it doesn't actually qualify under the 'good start, bad ending' category.
I'm going to make a list that proves my point.

Jubei

Ninja Scroll - We see a lone warrior striding down a bridge - epic setting - and soon a pretty epic beginning battle! That's about when you know shit is going to hit the fan. It really is. Sure, there are epic fighting abilities and battle scenes in between, but in the end he basically rejects his girlfriend's offer to spend the night, then she dies, then he kills everything, then he spends his life in solitude. Awesome, dude. You must be so happy with your life choices. I guess I can see sense in there too though - who would want their wandering hero to be a homebound husband, eh?

Millenium Actress - I'm not usually the type that likes to watch anyone's biography, but I had a feeling that one might be good. And it was - except it was obvious from when the director and his assistant arrived at the fragile actress' home, that things were not going to end well. Basically, what this movie shows us, is that it's okay to be obsessed with some dude you only talked to once in your teenage years for the rest of your life. No joke, 60 years minimum. That's like an extended overly attached girlfriend syndrome. And then, obviously, it's only going to end with: "Oh, he's actually dead already, sorry. Now go follow him in the afterlife." A bit heroic, I guess. But mostly alarming. Don't actually ever do that, girls.

Mononoke and Ashitaka

By the way, it's not like Miyazaki has all good endings. Like Princess Mononoke. Sure, the prince hangs out with Mononoke and her wolf crew and it's all fun and giggles, but basically what is said is that humans are vile monsters who like to kill the forest-kami and wolfs are smart enough to know that. Even the happy ending with the head being returned and all, it's still going to be a sucky future for most of those people from the village and not to mention the prince. Sorry, dude, I don't think she's ever going to give in. Luckily lots of women from the village want you.
Also, that Sprited Away stuff - not so happy either. Yeah, Chihiro saves everyone but then they promise: to meet each other again some day! Just a wild guess but I'm thinking, what, 10... 20 years? I guess Chihiro would have stuff to learn from the Millenium Actress. 
And one other thing - Howl's Moving Castle may have ended well, but what it  mostly showed was how the poor boy was in pain the entire time because the girl could not start believing in herself fast enough. Seriously, am I the only one who thought it was an agonizing movie? Thank goodness it ended well after all.

Chiaki and Makoto

Now The Girl Who Leapt Through Time, hmmm. A happy one? A sad one? I'm pretty sure it's Hitomi and Van all over again. Didn't Chiaki say he was from waaaay further in the future? Even if he did wait for you like you asked, Makoto, I'm pretty sure you would either be an old lady by then or he would be a child... Not so awesome. And you just had to go and waste all those jumps, didn't you. And on pudding and karaoke! Bastard! I have to admit that I still felt sorry for her. Also, Chiaki is the nicest Japanese male name, in my opinion. Oh yes, you are, oh yes, you are!

Gin and Hotaru

Of course, when it comes to pure dramatics, I don't think this one can be beaten - The Forest of the Fireflies. I'm not going to actually spoil the synopsis here, but since this movie is already in the list, well.... It's a nice movie, cool mystic stuff, Japanese folklore and shinto mixed in there. Awesome. Aaaaaand as soon as you learn about Gin's condition, you know it's all going to be fucked up. Dammit. The characters are pretty good, at least. The girl is lively and dynamic and the guy is pretty straightforward and open. Coolio.

But nothing will probably ever beat 5 Centimeters Per Second. Not unless someone makes an anime movie about kitties and puppies dying in horribly heartbreaking manners. 5 Cm per Second is a movie you watch and think to yourself: All life is meaningless. The world is horrible. 
- Great, that's exactly why I want to watch anime <.<
Luckily afterwards you realize how great choices you've made in your life and see that you're such a smart person for not being a loser weirdo who can't get a grip on his/her feelings and make a move.

Today we salute you, mister Shinkai, for making everyone, even that homeless guy at the corner store, feel like they're the happiest person in the world! Thank you for that.

Takaki and Akari

See you again next week - I'll be on time, I promise :)